Praying for Boldness instead of Deliverance

I'm sure you have thought this, but have you ever thought sometimes in life that you just wish your life was perfect?? Maybe you are like me, where you try so hard to make things perfect. You maybe avoid certain situations so you won't make things rocky, or maybe you're in a situation and you are too afraid to get out because you are afraid of what may be beyond! Or maybe you think there is nothing beyond, like this is it! There's no hope! Umm..story of my life! I'm telling you, I thought Camfel was stretching..pssshhh..yeah, what was I complaining about. I love Hawaii, but God has really taken me out of my comfort zone. I always have to know what is next, whats the game plan..and God's like, "NOPE! Seek my face! I"ll be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path"..and lamps don't really show much of what is around you. So I don't even know what I'm stepping on. I checked out a different church today called Koala Missionary! It was soo good! Loved the people, felt like I could definitely fit in here (but just from previous rash decisions before, praying first!). One of the things we talked about today was how when our life sucks, we so want God to just get rid of it! "God, my marriage sucks right now! Get rid of the crap!" or "God, this whole situation here isn't working out, just remove me!" We scream to God, "Get ME OUT!!!" But the thing is, whatever comes our way, God knows we can handle it. We often pray for deliverance but have you thought maybe praying for boldness might be more worth it. God just doesn't always want us to runaway. Believe me, I'm still working on that one, and the whole controlling your emotions, saw some progression but still needs ALOT of work. Today at church we talked about Acts 4 and the apostles approaching situations I'm sure they wanted God to remove them. But instead they pray for boldness instead of deliverance in vs. 29, "And now, Lord, hear their threats, and GIVE US BOLDNESS in preaching your word." They weren't praying, "Ahh God these people are persecuting us, remove us and send us elsewhere." They persevered! In the previous verse it says, "But EVERYTHING they did WAS determined BEFOREHAND ACCORDING TO YOUR WILL." God knew all this was going to happen! And the same with you and me. God knew this crap that we were in was going to happen. And the thing is, He is telling us, "Beloved, my precious creature, YOU ARE DELIVERED...You're not gunna die in this situation because I have delivered you before this even happened!!" I need to remember 3 things when I face crap, 1. I'm not gunna die. 2. I'm loved by God. and 3. The power of Christ is within me. I can get through anything because of Him. God has us go through these hard, sometimes seems purposeless, confusing, frustrating times, in order that we may learn and grow. He disciplines us because He loves us. He sees what is holding us back and He says, "I"m doing this because I love you and I want you to live life to its fullest!" He wants to remove those impurities and chains that we found so comfortable. Heck yeah, its going to hurt, but if we trust what He is doing, if we just let go, and let God, and believe me, I'm still trying to figure out how to do that, and honestly, it hits me now, If I just let go, just whatever comes comes, I'm gunna take it by the horns and take it. Its like a big wave, coming right at me, and instead of keeping running from it (which eventually its gunna catch up with me) I'm gunna face it and take it...by doing a duck dive, where its I'll go through it and it will go over me, because God is holding my hand and saying, "Trust me!" and pulls me under the wave so I don't get tumbled in it. I still get tumbled in the waves sometimes, and there are many more waves to come but if I continue to grab God's hand and go through the wave, I'll get through it instead of me getting tumbled or pushing me back! And literally, when their our big waves, you have to duck dive because if you just run from it, or just stand it front of it, you'll get pumbled or pushed back..did it today..and God used that!! :)

Confusion in the midst of Chaos..where are you God?

I don't know how you are feeling lately..heck I don't know what feelings are anymore...are they an indicatior of something..I know they aren't always truth..but why do we feel things? How do you know if its a lie or not? Why can't we distinguish truth from feeling..why is it so hard? I never feel like I'm good enough to run this Christian race. I feel like the world's suckiest Christian. I can't do anything right! I feel like people from every which way is like, "here this..this is right" "oh , wait no, this is good" "try this!" "do this!" "read this scripture" "Pray this way!" what the heck?!? I don't get it! Maybe my problem is I listen to too many people and then I lose side of God. Maybe I just can't say "NO!" to people and "Yes, God let me just get rid of those STUPID distractions and focus on you!" Yes, I'm super frustrated! I definitely know what Paul is talking about in Romans when he says, "I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I do want to do!" I think so often, I screw myself over because I run to people rather than God. I listen to the opinion of people rather than God. I seek people's advice rather than God's then it screws me up! I feel so bi-polar right now! One sit of talking with someone, I felt at peace and I was like, "Yeah, ok, this is what I gotta do!" then literally like 5 minutes later I"m like, "I dunno anymore! Wait, God I dunno!" I HATE THIS!! I want to be consistent in my living for Christ. And yes! IF you are reading this and thinking, "Oh man she is going off her own strength and she is frustrated!" Amen, brother! You got it right! I am frustrated because I don't know how to freaking let go! I just screwed myself by running to other people rather than God! Here is some advice for you, Seek God above all else. I"m not saying its wrong to get some wise counsel and talk things through, but be SLOW TO SPEAK and QUICK TO LISTEN! Take it from someone who keeps messing up her life and sucking so bad b/c I jacked myself up by how to think now! I need my Jesus! I need to just be with Him, alone! I need to sacrifice what I think I need for Him because He is all I need! I want to follow Him and I want to love Him, but I feel so confused on what He is calling me to do! I don't know how!! Pray the Lord reveals such things! I need to start putting Him first, and I haven't! Yes, I'm a freaking hypocrite Christian who needs Jesus! I admit it! I"m sorry if any other Christian has hurt you and turned you away from Jesus, we are human and we suck, but Jesus doesn't and if we choose to live through Him and with Him, you'll understand more, and find you're need for Him.

His ways are Higher than our ways...

So, those of you who keep up with my blog..haha, (its ok if there is none, its all good), you probably sensed I was going through a difficult time out here. Well, God is good. I mean I'm not saying it won't get hard ever, but the Lord proves Himself faithful even when we are faithless. I guess the past couple weeks I just was hanging on, stressing out, trying to figure out to the point of exhaustion, why the Lord called me here. And ya know? I STILL don't have an answer..but you know what...ITS OK!!! I"m finally okay with trusting God that He will reveal His purpose in time. Do you ever just get sick and tired of trying to figure out things for yourself? Trying to do things on your own?? Man, I still get exhausted and I try doing it on my own..and I CAN"T!!! The thing is, there is crap that is going to happen in your life...and the thing is God is going to use that for good. Yeah, it seems impossible. It could be something from one extreme of "God, how are you going to find me a car?" to "God, I have this sickness..what are you going to do now?" or "God, my friend died, what the heck!?" Where are you?! The thing is, God is always there and always present. Sometimes we don't feel His presence because we either refuse to engage in His presence or we push God away. We are not always going to understand why we go through the things we go through, or why things happen but one thing that we can know and find hope in is that God has us and has everything under control. We can rest in that, hope in that, find security and comfort in that and God OPENLY and JOYFULLY invites you in that! Right now, I should be in bed b/c I need to get up early in the morning for work, but I can't sleep. But while I was tossing and turning, I was kind of giggling b/c this past week I was freaking out about my life..AGAIN..and then I see how God smoothed everything out and made it workout! The thing is, God will honor us and reward us when we are faithful, maybe not right away, maybe not in this life time. However, where are real treasures are, they are in heaven, where nothing can get to them! Its easy now of days to get our identity stolen, money stolen, whatever stolen, but NO ONE or NOTHING can still your identity and your treasures in Christ! God is that good, people! I just want to encourage you, when you think your world is falling apart, when you don't understand what is going on. You'll prolly freak out and cry and all that, which is normal, however, I want you to know that you have a LOVING God and an AWESOME God who wants to invite you into His life that is eternal and wants to take care of you if you allow Him. I still struggle sometimes entrusting the Lord, but I never regretted doing it!! NEVER! I might be hesitant with certain situations to hand them over to Him, but when I did it, I NEVER regretted it. I only regret when I didn't hand them over to Him. His ways our higher than our ways..His thoughts..Higher than our thoughts...(Isaiah.55:8-9)

Can you take the heat?

I'm sure you all heard of the expression.."sink or swim" or I know one of these volleyball t-shirts I had or might of saw (I can't remember) was "If you can't take the heat, get off the court." I know for me, Volleyball was my life. It was what I breathed, ate, thought about. Volleyball was my god. I wanted to do everything I could to be the best. However, God stopped me. He stopped me from playing and took me down another path. I felt like I was going through the most intense break-up of my life with my boyfriend, volleyball. LOL. I felt so lost with my life. I felt I had no purpose in my life. It was everything to me. Then when he stripped away "my god", I found the One who truly brings purpose, Who brings hope. Who loves me more than Volleyball ever could. Who I didn't have to try my hardest to keep going with...I just had to fall into His hands. I guess where I'm going with this is, its nothing of ourselves that we can do to change. Yes, our actions and our words bring consequences but God is the one who changes our hearts. He draws us to Himself (John 6:44). Things here definitely got heated within the past few weeks. I felt like I was under so much pressure I didn't know if I could take it. I realized I had a "god" that I felt if I didn't feed it, or make sure I was doing everything I could to keep it peaceful, it was over! It was a circumstance I was living in. The thing is, God allows things to happen..not saying He wants them to happen but allows them to happen so that we may realize what dirt is in our lives..so that we may draw closer to Him. God is refining us and He doesn't do that to hurt us but He does that to give us an abundant life, a life that actually has purpose, through Jesus Christ who died and saved us from our sins which would be our wrong-doing, our mistakes, our selfish ways. If you think living life on your own and doing whatever the heck you want is a free life, tell me that straight in the eyes that it is. I bet it is exhausting. I bet deep down you try so hard to make things happen for yourself and that you keep running to all these different things to fill you up and make you happy but you realize it runs out soon and you gotta keep filling up! NOT WITH MY JESUS!! HE NEVER RUNS DRY!! YOU NEVER THIRST!!! Jesus says, "Anyone who drinks this water (your own ways, worldly ways, what the world tells you to do) will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will NEVER be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life." Jesus loves you so much that He came, died for you to live a life of purpose! I realized, even being a Christian, I would still draw from a well that would try and fill me up rather than God. I realized I let my emotions get the best of me when I am under heat rather than just being still, at my Lord's feet and listening to Him. I have to run to other people and what I feel at that moment, thinking I can't take the heat, I runaway..and I almost did. However, then the Lord put me in the corner and told me, "Jessie, I love you. You don't have to do this alone. I called you here and if you drink from me, you can take the heat" (Phil 4:13). I have been praying God would change my heart and He did! He listens to us! Even in the heat of the moment, we have to learn to be still before God. He knows what is best...really.

Survivor...Outwit, Outplay,Outlast

Have you ever watched that show Survivor?? I use to with my dad back in the day when it first came on as was "the thing to watch". Well, now that I look back on it, that show somewhat encourages me now. Those people got thrown on an island and in order to win a million dollars they have to stay on...persevere, do what they have to do to survive! Well, if anything maybe God is playing that "game" with me. Not meaning that in a disrespectful way to Him. Except I'm not playing for a million dollars. I'm trying to survive this "game" with the end goal in mind...Jesus! I just moved in my apartment 2 days ago. It is so weird to have my own place. I'm not really sure if I'm prepared for it and it scares me. But God obviously thinks I am. The thing is, this "game of Survivor" if you will..is where I can not obviously maintain stability and growth and everything I need without God. I need to keep the alliance I have with God so I don't get voted off the island, OR importantly the race! I sometimes wonder why God called me here. Yes, I'm still trying to figure that out. Those of you who know me well, more of this goes for my girls, know why I freak out (ya girls, here me! lol). But honestly, I know I want this certain something and I was willing to give it up, but God smack dab put me in front of it again and I don't understand b/c it does not seem it is working out. I guess sometimes we get to point in our walk with God where things just begin not to make sense and everything is moving around you so fast that you feel like you can't grasp on. You gotta just go with the crazy current like I said in the last blog. I was reading in James this past week..the 1st chapter I believe and it is towards the end where it talks about God will not mislead us or cast a shadow to misguide us. He does not tempt us or lead us astray. I know Satan wants me to believe that lie..and honestly, somedays are alot harder than others to believe that. I feel sometimes I can be an emotional wreck b/c of it. I guess in order to keep me on this "island", to keep me going for the prize..is my alliance with Jesus. The one who will give me strength, understanding, peace, and especially hope! He's my daily food, my daily breathe..I need to believe that b/c of that alliance is torn..I'm done. Think about it guys. Do you feel lost? Do you have the alliance to keep you in the game? You can't do it on your own..believe me, I tried here..I jacked myself up. I"m screwin up left and right and I"m so sick of it. I get so exhausted.. I hate when I listen to my feelings rather than God's truth. It ruins your life..LITERALLY! Keep the goal in mind...your treasures will be in Heaven. Keep your eyes on Jesus...