Direction??

So Linds and I are in Oakland,CA heading to Santa Rosa, and San Fran this week. Its pretty so far! We are across the street from the ocean. Soo pretty! :) So here's the thing guys, I have no idea sometimes what the will of God is for my life. Yeah, I know, 95% of God's will is in the Bible, true dat, but as far as what He wants me to do with my life..I have no idea. Sunday, I got a call from a Starbucks in Kauai that really is interested in hiring me, and my friend is working with a church there that they would love to have me work w/ them. What the heck? I mean, Hawaii has always been my dream to live out there and do ministry, but this to come so soon? I'm kinda scared, kinda overwelmed, and its a big step. Yeah, I know its Hawaii. Yeah, why not go after my dreams, but I mean the only thing is holding me back I think is fear. What happens if I can't make it out there? What happens if I get heart-broken? What happens if I lose my friends back home? I always wanted to do ministry in Hawaii and this is my chance! The thing is guys, I'm not saying to jump in and not think wisely about things, but why do we let fear stop us so much? Everyday, I go into these schools and I tell these kids that fear stops us from pursuing our dreams. The thing is, fear stops us from doing the will of God! Ugh, I desire so bad to just say "JESUS FREAKING LOVES YOU SO MUCH HE TOOK A HORRENDOUS PENALTY FOR YOU!!! THAT'S LOVE! YOU ARE LOVED SO FREAKING MUCH!!" but I can't! I want these kids to know where that hope comes from. Its not based off ourselves, but Jesus! I have no idea what I'm going to do after Camfel. I mean, come on, my plan was really just to come home again, just like I planned after graduating college. Did that happen? No! When I was younger,back in my girly "I love Leo DiCaprio, Josh Hartnett" days, (yeah, I was one of those...Don't Judge!) I always wanted to go to LA, to meet them! Umm..yeah I'm here now, and I honestly have no desire to meet them...well, maybe to tell them about Jesus, not to have them fall in love with me. LOL. At first I wanted to go to Hawaii, because it would be cool, but I'm just testing my heart and seeing if my heart is really in Hawaii. I always had loved it out there and saw myself there...just its scary kinda....i don't know why..i guess those questions I mentioned above. Please pray for me! I want to do the Lord's will! I only want to go if He wants me to go! I just want to Know Him and MAKE HIM KNOWN!!!

I LOVE JESUS!

So, as you know, I was having a really rough week being back at Camfel, doing shows. Yes, I"m frustrated, yes I'm tired. The thing is though, Jesus comforts and loves through all that. Yesterday was really hard for me. I broke down crying because I felt so discouraged and just really wanting to go home. I just wanna move on to something else but then on our ride home, Jesus said, "Jessie, I love you so much and I am with you! I know this seems pointless and that it feels like you aren't doing anything but you are. This whole experience is to grow and mature you so you can impact others. You are being my servant and I am proud of you two. Remember, I love you SO much and I am with you" He had me tell Lindsey that He loves her and that He is with her too! I told her. I love when Jesus speaks to me like that and I know it wasn't me because I wouldn't be able to think that fast. It just came at me. I love Jesus so much, you guys! I cannot explain how amazing our Savior is! I want to desperately to tell people of His amazing love! I want to tell everyone! Over break, I kept thinking about boys and about marriage and when all that is going to happen and honestly, God has me so wrapped up in seeking Him and leaning on Him, I haven't been thinking about it. I have been reading in Philippians and I was reading how the Lord is my strength and how Paul is SO encouraged by the Philippians. His relationship with them is always encouragement back and forth. Its so cool how Jesus works. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it! He can not only sympathize with us but completely know where we come from. He knows I feel alone, frustrated, sad. He can totally relate. I just want to grow more and more in love with Jesus. He is so wonderful because He is a friend, a counselor, a shoulder to cry on, a peace, a love, a God who saves, a teacher, everything we need! He is that person we know 100% we can count on! I love Him so much! So much, and I feel so unworthy to be in this relationship with Him, but yet He died so I could be in a complete relationship with Him, that's how much He wants me, and He wants you! He loves us that much that He went through the worst to be with us...wow

Hope, strength...HELP!

So, I started a new semester with Camfel. I'm officially stationed in California. So far, Linds and I have been doing local shows in LA and maybe a lil north, lil south. I dunno guys, being at home for christmas break was SO good! I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss home. I"m having a bit of a hard time being out here. I guess getting homesick. I sometimes just freak out thinking I might be out here til May or June and it makes me want to go home. I love Cali, don't get me wrong, but I guess I'm ready to do something new. However, God has me here. I'm to finish Camfel whenever it is done for the year/semester. I gotta have the endurance to finish but I guess today I'm feeling like, "How am I gunna do this?!?" We have 3 set-ups today and tomorrow. The thing is though, I don't need to know how to do this because He is doing it for me. So far, Linds and I have been getting everything up in like 30 minutes! That's like amazing! I know Linds is feeling a similar way, too but thank God we have each other! I was chatting with Jesus the other day, and He said, "Jess, I'm building you up, I'm teaching you and maturing you in endurance. You can keep going. Often you think alot of how things are going to work out, or how my visions will work out because nothing is happening with them, so you think. I have a plan and when you are obedient, you are trusting me. Just cling, know that I have a way that you may not understand right now, but you will soon. You will see how everything fits." I gotta hold on to that. Jesus is so good, ya know? I mean, why is that when we think we can't go on, we really can. Today at a school we were at this morning, we were told a middle school student committed suicide about a month ago. Thats just so sad. I don't know if he/she was bullied or what but its just sad to know someone couldn't find hope in the Lord. It really frustrates me I can not go into these schools and tell kids about Jesus. I'm giving them an idea of hope maybe, which is good, but they need to know where it comes! stupid law!! God is so real and it sucks people don't believe that! They don't know an AMAZING God that I know. People need to know that there is hope in every situation, even when it seems impossible because God makes ALL things possible! He is our rock! I really want people to know Jesus, because I have found an amazing love that nothing or no one can fulfill, so why wouldn't I want to share it. I hate that my mouth is shut sometimes about it because of what people think. I just feel a bit weak this semester, discouraged, and worn out. I do just want to go home, but God has me here! I have to remain faithful to that til its time to do the next thing! I often just want to go to Hawaii and start my "real life" there, but the thing is, I started "real life" since the day I was born, and especially experiencing the "real world" now that I graduated from college. Its up to you how you are going to choose to see things in your life. We can't let things get us down, nothing will get accomplished then. We put our hope in the Lord everyday for the tasks he has. We can do ALL things through Christ WHO strengthens us. This all goes for me too so don't think I'm just preaching to you! Live in the hope, guys! Love on Jesus!

1 Peter 3:3

Sorry guys I haven't blogged in awhile, its been break and I've been out of routine. Speaking of being out of routine, this break has been good but also challenging. As in my last posts, I was telling you all about my dates with Jesus. Well, since I have been out of routine, I feel like lately I haven't been spending much time with Jesus. Its because I"m out of routine, but that is NOT an excuse. I need to learn to find God even when I"m out of routine, and that made me realize how much I am so driven by a routine! Coming home 2 weeks ago, was not what I expected. It was tough! I cried alot. I think because I was on this new journey with God. God was teaching me SO much and I have been growing alot, and then I go back to the old environment of where I was. It was hard to put the new self in the old environment. Its kinda hard to explain, but God was SO faithful in the process. I felt like friendships were different and that I was different. I had a new perspective and I didn't know how it would fit in the old environment. Fear came over me fast and I was so scared of being in bondage to what I use to be in bondage to. Well, anyways,God helped me through that where it wasn't so much the case. However, being home, I've struggled with outward adornment that 1 Peter 3:3 talks about. It says, "Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewlery, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourself instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle, quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." I came home from LA for break, and I look at my closet and realize, I have so much that i don't need! I'm always buying clothes and so obsessed with the way I look and my hair. Its so dumb! I had trouble shopping today with my mom because I realize I don't need these things, and I'm only buying them to impress people. I want to look good! Now, I'm not saying looking good is wrong but when it becomes an anxiety, a pressure, a bondage issues, then that's when its wrong. I've been struggling with looking good as my friends do, but deep down, I just wanna wear what I wanna wear not just because someone is dressed up! I guess its this problem of comparing myself to others. I want to be engulfed by the Love of God, not by society! I'm so sick of doing things just for attention and I struggle with that emotionally and physically. I hate the fact that I sometimes text boys, or flirt with boys, because I want that attention. I don't want to be trapped in the fact of feeling accepted because a boy is flirting with me and I get attention from him. I"m so sick of it! I want to be engulfed and surrounded with Jesus. If a boy gives me attention, I want him to know how in love I am with Jesus and how awesome Jesus is, not what I wear or what I necessarily look like that day. I'm so sick of chasing after useless things, drinking from the wrong fountain. I want the everlasting water, the Jesus water, the one that will satisfy me forever! Jesus is so good and the only one who can fulfill us, not clothes, not boys, not girls, not money, not the high-tech cool stuff. Now I"m not saying its wrong to have those things, but only if you are so consumed by it you are enchained to it. Think about what you are enchainged to, and be willing to let the Holy Spirit convict you of this, so be open. Often we don't want to admit these things so we push it aside, but it takes pain in order to gain freedom...its worth it friends!

Love your neighbor as yourself....

It seems lately I just have been going through a time where either people just misunderstand me or they just falsely accuse me for some reason. Now, I'm not saying in any way I don't do anything wrong, or I'm innocent in every situation, but what I'm saying is, either I'm misrepresenting myself or I'm being misunderstood. I feel discouraged at times because I want to show people Christ but sometimes they take that as I'm a goody goody or I'm being a smart-alik. I don't know why but my intentions are to be honest and be Christ-like. It hasn't happened with a lot of people but with the people it did happen to, it sucks because they don't know who I really am. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. I can't be. I can only be made righteous through God. I am in no way perfect. Also, I am in no way the coolest person ever, nor the most popular person ever and I'm fine with that. I think people misunderstand me as that and that's not my goal in life. Trust me, I stressed myself out on that one a loooong time ago. My goal is to be with Christ, to live with Him forever, and honor my life to Him and make Him known to others. I want to live a humble, simple, pleasing life to the Lord. Because, I love Jesus so much! Its like this, when you love someone, the agape love..its amazing!The person you love, you want to please them, show them you love them, all that. You don't want to hurt them. Now, I'm in no way fully knowing the extent of agape a love but I had a small taste of it and man, its blowing my world. The journey of seeing Jesus as my lover has been amazing! It really changed my life! So when I get attacked or when people misunderstand me, I can only have compassion on them. Or when they get upset at me and I don't know why or whatever, I just want to hear them out and understand where they are coming from. Yeah, I want to tell them, "That's not true or I didn't do that", but did Jesus do that when He was being accused? No, he had compassion. The thing is, I know I've made mistakes, and I will admit to them. I've disrespected people and I'm so sorry I have. But when someone attacks you for things you know you didn't do or misunderstand and won't give you the time of day to understand, just choose to love. They have hurt in their life they may not be dealing with, so don't fight back, just love. I want to encourage you all of that when you are being persecuted or falsely accused, LOVE. Let that person get out what they need to and admit to what you know you did wrong. Ask God to convict you of what you did wrong. Then choose to love that person, even when they are treating you unfairly. The thing is guys, hurting people hurt people. We are all hurting people and we will hurt others but like Jesus said, we must forgive so that we will be forgiven. Again, I don't want to come across as trying to be innocent because I'm not. I have done a lot of things wrong and I will admit to them. However, when you know people hurt you by the things they say, love them anyhow and show compassion rather than hate or revenge. Its not easy but I can testify, Jesus can help you because He helped me recently! Jesus is soo good guys! I love him so much, that is why I am the way I am and still growing!

phoenix,AZ and blessings!

So this week was pretty amazing! Lindsey and I had a show on an Indian Reservation just over the AZ border in Utah. That was really cool! It was in the middle of no where but we got to see Navajo Mountain and it was cool. This High School had 2 dogs running around and they were so cute. I think after that set-up there, Linds and I really got to become closer and know each other much more. After the Indian reservation, we headed to Joseph City,AZ where we had some awesome set-up help from Sarah and Chris. Linds and I got to talk to them. I was really encouraged by Sarah because you can tell she did not want to live below approach. I'm pretty sure she was a follower of Christ. It was cool to hear how she lives her life. Throughout Monday and Tuesday, I had no idea it snowed in AZ..well, northern AZ but we at least got to see the Grand Canyon! Man, all this stuff I"m seeing, I'm amazed by God! Only our Creator can think of that stuff! Heading to Phoenix, where it was a lot warmer, was soo good! We were doing a show at Northwestern Christian School. We stayed at this teacher's house, Gloria and her 2 daughters, Kaylee and Courtney. Kaylee is a junior and plays volleyball and Courtney is a freshman. It was so cool because they shared a similar childhood story like me. Parents are divorced and raised by a their mom, just like me. It was pretty cool for them to open up to me because we definitely have similar feelings. Linds and I had an awesome conversation with them about what God is doing in our lives, how He is challenging us. Gloria chimed in and then we ended up all praying together! I will miss them so much! I hope one day I will see them again! It was a short-time period but I thank God so much for the opportunity to meet them and fellowship with them! Its so amazing how God brings brothers and sisters from all over the world to share that common ground...Jesus! I was SOO blessed to stay at their house! Doing the show at NCC was SO amazing! I loved the students, faculty, and the visitors that came! You guys, being there, I could really see myself being apart of that community! I loved it so much! I"m still praying about it but when I was there I felt so much peace! I'm asking God what that means and what He wants to do with that! I love Jesus so much! You guys, I've been struggling a bit...I sometimes just want things that I know are not the right time for or they just aren't the right things. Like I said before, I'm really learning to see Jesus as my Lover. This week, I feel like I'm struggling...I DON"T WANNA LOSE THAT! So I ask for prayer! It was a good recharge to stay with that family this week, however, I need to continue to persevere and cling to Jesus! Its so easy to get distracted and go after things we REALLY want! The thing is, God has us right where He wants us! No matter if it seems dry, if it seems unfair because we are comparing ourselves to others what they are doing or where they are at with God. We all our on this journey that is unique, different, however, it all leads to Jesus in the end. We are all being sanctified! Just think of this...when the gold is being refined, some impurities aren't gunna come off as fast as others, they are all not going to be done at the same time. Its the same with us..we are all at different places in our lives, but that doesn't matter. Its Who we are seeking, What we see as our prize! When we train for something, we may not do all the same exercises, or even at the same time, however, we are training for a race..the Christian race and we are all having the same goal in mind..Jesus!! The purpose is to Know Him and Make Him Known! AHHH! Jesus is soooo good!!! Claim it, Love it, Share it!

California...shake shake shake

Well, I'm here in Cali and I absolutely love it here! I wouldn't mind this at all next semester! Its crazy because so far on this journey, I learned a lot about myself, my relationship with God, and especially knowing God more. Its been challenging! Learned about patient endurance, being convicted of where I was finding my identity in (friends, boys, how many people I know), and then seeing Jesus as my Lover. You guys, I cannot explain to you how much God has shown me. Its a unique experience that no two people could have. Yes, there are similarities but we all have our own journey with our Lord. God has been so good to me, guys! I'm so unworthy of His grace and love in my life. Its been awesome to share things with my brothers and sisters in Christ to hear what God is doing with them and how we can encourage each other. Linds, I really just freaking commend that girl, my tour partner. She has not gone home since August and boy, has God gotten a hold of her heart! Its been so encouraging to see this girl grow! I could not ask for a better tour partner! I believe God put her in my life to help me with my identity issues! You see guys, so often I look at keeping things of what I have. I don't like change, however, when it comes, I wanna make sure I"m comfortable. Linds and I have been reading about Job. The Lord gives and takes away. With Job, God gave and take away yet Job still praised Him, even when everything was stripped away! That seems so hard, right? If God was to take away all my friends, if He was to take my home, family, job, even telling me I'd be single the rest of my life...would I still praise Him? I want to say I sure hope so! Yes, I want to get married one day! I desire a husband! My dream is to be a wife and a mom and have my house open to people that they will walk into our house and feel the love of God and serving them. That my marriage is not just a blessing, but a tool used to bring people to the kingdom! My husband and I working as Kingdom partners to bring others into His GLORIOUS kingdom! I definitely think God is preparing me for marriage with this job..haha! Linds and I were talking the other day of how important communication is. That is so important in marriage so its like God used us to prepare for that aspect of it! LOL. I'm so thankful for what God is doing in my life. No, its not easy, it sucks at times, but its so worth it in the end! I'm truly thankful for my suffering because I see it produces perseverance and character! Seeing Jesus as my Lover, my Husband, my Living Water, has been such a journey for me, and has been a long road! But more and more and I love on Him, the more and more I grow! Yes, there have been times so far, I just get cranky and I just want to be alone..However, God has shown me grace and mercy through people. I love Jesus so much, guys! I dont want that to come across like all fakey and suck-up-ish, I"m being legit! Jesus has changed my life and still is changing my life. My heart belongs to Him, he truly is the fountain of Life I need to be drinking from!