God's grace stetches so far...

Last time I blogged on here, I was working with 9-12 year olds. However, now I work with 6-8 year olds. Now, let me tell you...I am really starting to get glimpses of how God sees us as little children. Its almost like at work, God replaces my eyes for His eyes to give me glimpses of how He views me. I love every single one of those kids. Some our good, and some have discipline problems, but I truly love them all the same. God really gave me a heart for all these kids and honestly, I have no idea why. Now, I worked more with High School students, and I hope to one day again, but right now, at least in this season, He wants me with these younger ones. I came home thinking the other day, "Man, how many times did I have to tell those kids, 'Quiet!' and they still weren't quiet." or, "How many times...(fill in the blank)." But then the Lord says, "Jessie, how many times have I told you not to gossip? How many times have I told you to speak up or be silent in this situation?" and so on and so forth. AHH!!! You guys, one thing I have been really convicted of lately is gossip and it seems like no matter where I am, I run into it. And honestly, guys have the problem with the physical lusting, girls have the problem with gossip because we love to talk. There are so many times at work or with my family it happens and I let myself get sucked in. HOWEVER...here is the most amazing part ever..I have conviction! Yeah it sucks, but I know the Holy Spirit is working within me because I know that is wrong. Its like you have a sliver in your finger. You got to get it out but it hurts while you are trying to. ITS A PROCESS! God is working on my heart to show me that I need to flee from gossip, and sometimes I don't even know if it is or not but he is giving me the wisdom to discern. The thing is, I look at these kids, and yeah I feel superior because I'm older. Yeah, I feel like I'm more mature. However, in God's eyes, we are still growing just like these little ones are. We still have a lot to learn. I don't care how old you are, never stop learning. Otherwise, you stop growing, and that's not good. You stay a toddler forever, mentally. God wants us to mature in our relationship with Him, and he will give us all the grace and help we need to do it. Just like a baby learning to walk, they fall down all the time but do you give up on them walking the first couple times they fall? NO! So, neither will God. If you continue to reach for Him, grab His hand, let Him help you, He will hold onto you! Know who your Heavenly Father is, who He really is, so that you know the Hand your holding.

Intimate times called to be with the Lord

Ever since I came home from Kauai, I have been questioning so much on "What the heck is going on!?" I mean, why was I pulled out? Why did I leave? Did I give up or was I called out? Well, just yesterday and today, I finally just took time to be quiet under the Lord. Sounds easy, but I don't know if its just me, but its hard b/c we are so self-centered we don't know how to shut ourselves up sometimes. The Lord puts us through tests sometimes to see if we will choose Him or what we want. If you heard of that story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham wanted a son soo bad, God gave him one, then later on He asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
Imagine yourself as a little child. You are playing with toys. God is trying to get your attention, talk to you, maybe wants to take you out for ice cream, some one-on-one time. However, you are so wrapped up in playing with your toys, you either ignore him, tell him "not right now!", or maybe you might slam the door on him and tell him to go away. God knows you need that one-on-one time/talk with him for your relationship to work with him, so because He loves you, He takes away the "toys". Maybe you kick and scream for a bit. You don't understand why He is taking them away. However, when he finally has your attention you realize you needed these moments. That the ice cream He took you out for was way better than your soap opera barbie game, or your killer lego castle!
God wants our attention. He showed me that the past 2 days. He had to take my "toys" away so I could give him my attention. Now, its never to say He won't give them back. He'll either give us new polished toys back, or newer, better ones! When we miss time with the Lord, we miss out. And I'm speaking to myself here b/c I know there are times He has called me and I'm like, "but Boy Meets World is on!" Don't miss out on what the Lord wants to teach you. Its for your benefit, when it may hurt sometimes. I share this b/c, I may or may not know you, that doesn't matter, but I want you to know the love of Christ that I have experienced daily. There are times I don't see it or I miss it, but b/c I know His truth, its there!

2 weeks I've been home:

Hey guys! Sorry its been awhile since I've posted. Life has been crazy since moving back from Kauai. Started a new job, been on a hunt finding a car which I finally did. I work at Boys and Girls club. So now, probably will be alot of posts about my job there. Which let me tell you, after 3 days of working their..I learned so much! I'm learning about being a parent, and how God disciplines us because he loves us. For example, yesterday I had to sit this boy out b/c he was being disrespectful to other students and me. I work with 9-12 year-old so he's like 9 I think. Anyways, he was so mad at me for sitting him out, but I had to be stern with him and tell him to sit. It was hard for me, because I wanted to reach out to him and I wanted him to like me. However, discipline had to take place for him to learn. After having a time-out, I came to talk to him, still mad at me, he wouldn't talk when I asked him questions. So I left him alone until he was ready to talk. About 5 minutes later, he came running up to me, and saying how sorry he was and that he will not hit people. I gave him a side-hug and said you're ok and I forgive you. And when he saw that on my face he grinned and went on playing. In that moment, I really realized what we can be like when God disciplines us. We don't understand why or what is going on, but when we learn, and we want forgiveness, he is ready to forgive with a big-embracing hug! At the club, you can only give side-hugs because the world is crazy today and we got some sick action going on, but the Lord, that doesn't affect him, he gives you a NICE BIG MUSHY hug! Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I miss Kauai like crazy! I miss surfing, I miss my friends there. But I know, at least in this season, I have to be back home. I read an article the other day called "We need boring Christians" its on relevant magazine's website. Its about how its ok that God doesn't call you to India or California, or Hawaii in that matter, when he wants you to pour out in your hometown. Like me, he could call you back to your home. But wherever you are at, your business is a heavenly business. Its not about what people think, or how they think it should be. Do what the Lord has set before you. I sometimes feel like a loser b/c I'm living back at home and I'm not in Hawaii. Living in Hawaii, I felt so cool and got alot of praise from people. However, thats not what we are to seek b/c if we seek the approval of man, then we are not a servant of Christ (Gal. 1:10). Seek His Heart, not His Hand..b/c when we seek His heart, we will notice His Hand is right behind us guiding us to where He wants us.

What if????

Let me tell ya, since deciding to go home I have been an emotional wreck! I love it out here, I love the people, however, I do feel like my time is up! I get scared though going back home because I'm going to start out working at starbucks still but I'm thinking, "oh my gosh, what happens if that all I do!? What happens if I never get out on my own again!? what if..WHAT if..WHAT IF!" God's like, "What if?? What if, what? Am I not God that I can't handle the 'what if's??" Slap in DA face! Its amazing how we freak out, we rely on ourselves. I mean would you put your trust in a person who freaks out? I don't think so. So why do I trust myself when situations seem "What if!?" You guys, I have been so emotionally, physically tired from the last time I blogged on here. Worrying and self-centeredness is exhausting because all you do is try to make things happen that you have no control over! Its like trying to make it rain! And please don't tell me you can control that. Apparently some tourists here think the hotel employees can..pssh! As if! The thing is, we cannot freak out over things we have no control over. When we have decisions to make, we just need to go by the peace of God and trust the consequences of those (good or bad) that the Lord will use that and help us. Now, I'm not saying, "get drunk or don't get drunk" and then think "oh i'll just get drunk and it will be ok b/c God has me" OBVIOUSLY, getting drunk is a sin and not something God wants us to do. However, when it comes to a decision that is not sinful..whether its like staying where you are at or going somewhere else..think of your intentions, think of where your heart is at and ask God for direction. However, its like taking a leap of faith of making the decision and trusting the Lord will take care of it. Leaving it up to him. If we are seeking Him, He WILL NOT let us outside of His will! He's not there to trick us, but to lead us! Don't worry about the "What if"s..and i'm talking to myself here b/c I struggle with that! Lets trust God and let our love for him overflow on others and I"m sure the "What if's" will take care of themselves :)

My world turned upside down..into God's.

The Lord literally turned everything I thought, upside down. I never realized how sometimes God needs to just have us face things we don't want to face or shatter dreams in order for us to get to a place that HE is the only fulfillment we have in life. I'm moving back home in December..at least for now. I never knew how long the Lord would want me here so I'm actually having a lot of peace about it so far. I thought it was to help with this church but honestly, at least from what I can see now, it was to face myself, face things I didn't want to face, and to touch the lives of people out here through it. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. I never knew how much I put my worth and "marbles" (if you will) into people. We see in many different scriptures how God warns about trusting man over him. Especially one in Gal.10 "If we seek the approval of man, than we are not a servant of Christ." For a long time, even before I was a christian, I always had to seek approval from my parents and friends. I always wanted people to like me and think I"m this awesome, super person. I wanted affirmation! I never sought that in God. I cannot tell you right now I am completely cured of that, but since living out her for 6 months, the Lord brought me to my knees to deal with that. See, you guys, if we seek worth in people, in our jobs, in money, in materialism, basically anything other than God..its all meaningless. Read the book of Ecclesiastes! Solomon was the most wisest man ever, but wisdom alone wasn't enough for him until he sought his life in the Lord. We all walk around on this earth, searching for our purpose. Maybe some of us our asking, "Why am I here?". Why are you here? Those who believe in evolution, ok, lets just say we did come from nothing into something from a big "Bang!" you still wonder your purpose, don't you? You still wonder what the point of you living is? We all have desire to know our purpose and once we open our eyes to the Lord, we can see that purpose! Slowly, but surely! We all desire to be in relationship. But the one that is most fulfilling is the Lord. Being out here I never knew how much I put all "marbles" into relationships out here, BEFORE putting it in the Lord. I thought people could make me happy..so instead of serving God, I was serving people. But the cool thing is, the Lord still used it! How awesome is his grace! :) Let me tell you this, when God gets you on your knees, surrendering, I'm telling you..its not easy, its hard. You can't see clearly, but in that moment you think, "ahh this is so hard what do I do!?!?" That is the moment to be still. Let him take that sliver out of your skin and in order to do that, you NEED to be still.
I went to visit my friend, Jeff, this weekend over on Oahu. The Lord not only blessed me but opened my eyes to that fact that HE LOVES ME! I'm still trying to grasp it but I was just having such a hard time deciding what to do, if I should stay out here or go, but the Lord kept revealing to me that its not about location, its not about where you are at..its about what you are doing with where you are at...are we loving God and loving people?? THAT is his will! I was SOO encouraged this weekend by my friend and his church! Also, the waves on the North Shore were so awesome!! God calmed bigger waves than those 15 footers..thats like a atom to him! LOL God knows what is best, He knows what He is doing. All he asks us to do is to be faithful..to trust Him, be still before Him. Just do what He says which is in his Word, and the rest will come into play!
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire" Psalm 37:4
and how do we do that?
"Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God, and all things will be given." Matthew 6:33
and how do we do that?
"You must love the Lord God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself" Love God, Love others..Matthew 22:38

You tired yet?

I don't know about you guys, but maybe some of you who are reading this just feel exhausted about your life..maybe what you are doing in your life, or chasing after in your life. I know how you feel. I feel like I have been trying so hard to manipulate situations to make them go my way. Being self-centered and selfish is literally exhausting. I try so hard to do things my way, focus on my wants, my needs, my future. God is like, "really?". I focus so much on, "What is your will for my life God? What about me!?!" Isn't God the Almighty so amazing and ominpresent that he can see me, too?? He can see you and me at the same time and be totally engaged in our conversation with Him. I'm so sick of chasing after acceptance and love when I need to know I have an amazing Lord, God of the universe who loves me and accepts me. I don't have to go chasing Him down like as if he is running away from me. He is coming towards me with arms wide open and saying, "Come to me! I love you!" Why don't I believe that? Why don't we believe that? Maybe its not in the way WE want it to happen, or we don't literally see that. But isn't God above the seeing? He is so powerful in so many ways we don't see! That's how powerful and amazing He is. I'm not gunna sit here and lie to you guys, but I have been struggling so hard lately. I questioned so many times if God loves me, cares about me, or if he even exists. That is Satan's stupid crap to get you alone and attack! Don't let Him. Though truth may not be in the seeing, it is real. A really cool example my friend Ronnie used in his sermon yesterday was, "When you go on a plane, do you ask the pilot, 'were you drinking? did you get enough sleep? are you an actual pilot? Can I see proof?'" No! we don't ask that! We trust that the pilot is a pilot, that he hasn't been drinking and that he is not sleepy. We HAVE FAITH, WE BELIEVE, without even thinking too much about it that we will arrive at our destination. And the funny thing is, we are more likely to crash with a human pilot than we are with God! With God, WE WILL NEVER CRASH! You guys, this came to my mind today while I was listening to a sermon...for me, I have been worrying so much about my life and a certain relationship..that I finally give up on it. Letting go and letting God. I thought today, "Do I really want to keep living this way until the Rapture? Worrying, trying to work things out my way? Or would I rather live my last days here on earth worshipping, loving God, loving others and showing them Jesus? I find so much more joy in the latter than I do the first part. God does not want us to worry. He does not want us to try and figure things out, but He wants us to prepare. Prepare for His coming and the only way we can do that is knowing Him. God's plan for my life is the same as yours...
-Pray without ceasing
-Give thanks in everything
-Rejoice always
-Submit to authority
-Avoid sexual immorality
-Be saved
-Be filled with the Holy Spirit
That is God's 99% will for our lives...the other 1% (occupation, where to live, who you are going to marry, etc.) will fall into place if we just focus on those things..and how to do those..is to know and fall in love with Jesus. I'm so guilty you guys, I suck at this so bad..but I'm doing my best to follow it. God knows we are not perfect, but he sees us as perfect through his Son Jesus by accepting Him into our lives. God sees us as perfect when we acknowledge we are sinners and need Jesus..that is perfection in God's eyes, not what we do. When we acknowledge that, we automatically want to do God's will.

The Lord works everything for our good...

I love how the Lord always knows whats best for us..always working for our good. The thing is, its not always what we think because honestly, I don't think we always know what is the best for us. Lately, well, I was doing this fast for 2 week, I fasted just doing veggies n meats, then just sugar..and now I think the Lord released me. The reason being is because I was like a prodigical (however you spell it) son coming home. For awhile here, my focus was just off with the Lord. I put Jesus kind of on the back burner, I think. I was chasing after things I thought I would fulfill me. One thing, which I have always had this problem since high school, was finding my identity in people. Meaning which, who I hang out with, how often, making sure I am doing something all the time with people...to sum it all up..accepted! When doing this fast, I thought I would like let go of desires, maybe like getting married, or like finding this job position, but honestly the Lord had different plans. It was letting go of my identity in people and finding it in God. I find so much worth in feeling popular and accepted. We all want to be accepted! We all want to feel loved and that people like us and that we are the coolest thing on earth. Well, back at home, I felt like I had that. But when the Lord sent me here, he stripped it away. I do admit, God gave me a gift of making friends very easy and very fast. However, here, it was a bit challenging and took some time. However, the Lord put an amazing group of friends around me here. I really had to lean on him for that. The thing is, I thought I could come out here and do things my way..psshh. Lets just say..in a showdown between you and God..guess who is going to win...I believe the Almighty Creator of heaven and earth will. Why would I even battle? These past 2 weeks, I am finally beginning to see Jesus as my acceptance..that is where I truly need to find it. Yes, we need people and fellowship around us to support and encourage us, just like He made the body, but truth and love come from Jesus. Seriously, I was thinking today..it has always been my dream to do ministry in Hawaii and surf. Now, I am ACTUALLY doing it! Maybe not how I thought would be, but I am doing it! I mean, surfing took me 4 months and now I'm FINALLY getting the hang of it! The Lord is helping me in so many ways, and I haven't even took the time to realize it til about now. Thank you Lord for all you do! Keep trusting him, church! Keep seeking him! Trust the plans he has for you, and not your own...he has a plan, and it won't kill you...but bring you life! Maybe the plans you have that you are trying so desperately to workout and you are probably getting exhausted and tired..like I was, are killing you..and the Lord is like, "You done killin yourself kid?..I'll revive you whenever you're ready."..He's waiting for you! Now run to him! :)